I’ll find my way by the Wayside

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So, remember in yesterday’s post how I said there was a lot of chaos leading up to meeting Ryan? Well, that’s what this song is attempting to capture. The years of chaos.  AKA… pre-counseling Shaylee.

I’m pretty sure if you’ve met me within the last few years you’ve heard me talk about counseling, and that’s probably because I’m obsessed with it and it changed my life. I want it to be a part of my daily conversations, and I want people to see it as something freeing and safe, not something you keep hidden in the closet due to the fear of being labeled “a crazy”.  I mean we’ve all got a little crazy in us AMIRIGHT (eye twitch).  I am a firm believer that any and everyone should consider counseling on some level. You don’t have to have some giant, obvious trauma to benefit from it. And you definitely don’t have to be ashamed of it.

Ok let me step off my soapbox and get into the details.

I wrote this song with Jake Etheridge, an incredible singer/songwriter with a voice like Sunday morning. I came in with this idea of the wayside, aka the edge of the road, being this kind of “aha” moment when you’re finally able to look at yourself and the road you’ve been on for so long and realize something’s not right. It’s that moment when you try to escape your problems by running as far from the city lights as you physically can, only to end up facing your crap head on. And not only that, but looking back and seeing this trail of debris left behind you and learning to take ownership of it. Realizing that was YOU. And that’s the scariest part, I think. The ownership. We (…I) have become masters at blame shifting. I swear, you could watch me push over a glass vase, see it shatter, and I would still try to convince you that some outside force had a part in it.  That it wasn’t just me, I’m only kind of guilty, I couldn’t help it, it’s not all my fault, etc etc etc. Take it from the first confrontation ever recorded: Genesis 3. What was the knee-jerk reaction of these newly formed humans that had literally been walking the earth for a hot second? Blame. And that has set the tone for the rest of the universe. Especially my universe.   

Finally, about 4 years ago, I had my wayside moment. I finally found myself in a situation that I couldn’t blame-shift my way out of, couldn’t run from. It destroyed me. But more importantly, it destroyed other people, and that was the dump-cold-water-on-your-head-snap-back-to-reality moment for me. I hate that it took that, but it did. And even though I replay those decisions in my head probably every other day, even though it probably is in fact something I would like to go back and redo if given the chance, I’m glad. Not glad that it happened, not glad for the pain it caused others, but glad that that’s not who I am anymore. Glad that God was able to take something so messed up and completely alter my universe for the better, to hurl me head first into a counselors office, and to ultimately prepare me for being a better wife,

a better friend,

a better mother one day,

and a better human in general.

And now what you see before you is the finished product of a perfect, emotionally stable, flawless decision-making woman. LOOOOOOOOOOOL.  So much jk it hurts.  BUT. I am able to look back at my life, aka the debris path if you will, see a pretty consistent pattern, and do my best to learn from it and move forward, treasuring the relationships I do have and thanking my lucky stars (aka Jesus) that I was able to start again.

And I kiss Ryan every day with all kinds of gusto for choosing to stick with a “crazy” like me 😉

Lyrics:

I find myself by the wayside
No one else around here
Oh so far from the city lights
Just trying not to feel it
Cuz I don’t want to feel it

(chorus)
What have I done, what have I done for all these years?
What have I done, tell me what did I do to get right here?
For the thousandth time I find myself by the wayside

I find myself on dead end roads
There’s just no way around it
I’ve gotten good I suppose
At dragging myself down it
I’m stumbling down it

(chorus)
What have I done, what have I done for all these years?
What have I done, tell me what did I do to get right here?
For the thousandth time I find myself by the wayside

Here comes the rain, here comes the cold
I’ll find my way by the wayside
No burning flame, no hand to hold

I’ll find my way by the wayside

 

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